A list! A list!

  • 9 mile run
  • buy N’s birthday present from my parents’ half done
  • Thank you card APs for saucepans
  • thank you card S poetry book
  • mail asthma app study forms (http://www.healthapps.org.uk/)
  • Get Christmas presents Japanese GS Leaders, so I can mail surface
  • Find the link of my goddaughter’s photos and send to Mum
  • Mail Dad’s forgotten notebook
  • Brownies accounts (camp, tie up year end)
  • frame pictures N
  • Food shop can be done on way back from N’s. Cool.
  • Launder sheets
  • Email S, Email C re playschemes
  • Take clothes & nametapes to C to sew on. And posters for her to put up (she’s unemployed, and climbing the walls at home).
  • Division Constitution
  • Finish H’s birthday present (slightly stymied by the cleaner moving everything that I needed for it to the other side of the room). Buy card. Wrap everything
  • head to H’s stitch & bitch, then onto N’s, and thus to a clear out of the spare room.
  • Insure ring
  • Other things as I think of them.

It’s still warm. I’m still too warm. My engagement ring has gone to be resized as it’s just too small, particularly with everything swelling in the heat. Come winter, it’s bound to end up too big.  However, half way through last week, it was so tight that it was digging in and leaving a mark akin to the type one normally gets with knicker elastic in a different area of one’s anatomy. This was not the case with any other of my rings (I have two others which I wear daily). I feel slightly bereft without it. N says that it doesn’t make me any less engaged (he’s right) as, really, it’s a symbol. But, damnit, it’s a very important symbol as far as I’m concerned. I miss it. I miss him (I can’t wait to see him tonight). And I am loving being engaged, and doing bijou wedding planning. And saving up.

I locked myself out yesterday morning. It took two hours to get back in again, as Eff didn’t have the spare keys anymore (she now does) and N was in Bas (so two hours away) and I had to get a locksmith (ouch). On the plus side, considering I locked myself out sans phone, I think I did very well indeed to go into the police station and ask to borrow theirs to phone Eff, and then used hers to phone N. The value of learning a handful of numbers by heart. Locksmiths are not good when one is saving up.



It’s not mine, but I need to share….

My posthumous advice for my daughter

Caitlin Moran
Published at 12:11PM, July 13 2013

My daughter is about to turn 13 and I’ve been smoking a lot recently, and so – in the wee small hours, when my lungs feel like there’s a small mouse inside them, scratching to get out – I’ve thought about writing her one of those “Now I’m Dead, Here’s My Letter Of Advice For You To Consult As You Continue Your Now Motherless Life” letters. Here’s the first draft. Might tweak it a bit later. When I’ve had another fag.
“Dear Lizzie. Hello, it’s Mummy. I’m dead. Sorry about that. I hope the funeral was good – did Daddy play Don’t Stop Me Now by Queen when my coffin went into the cremator? I hope everyone sang along and did air guitar, as I stipulated. And wore the stick-on Freddie Mercury moustaches, as I ordered in the ‘My Funeral Plan’ document that’s been pinned on the fridge since 2008, when I had that extremely self-pitying cold.
“Look – here are a couple of things I’ve learnt on the way that you might find useful in the coming years. It’s not an exhaustive list, but it’s a good start. Also, I’ve left you loads of life-insurance money – so go hog wild on eBay on those second-hand vintage dresses you like. You have always looked beautiful in them. You have always looked beautiful.
“The main thing is just to try to be nice. You already are – so lovely I burst, darling – and so I want you to hang on to that and never let it go. Keep slowly turning it up, like a dimmer switch, whenever you can. Just resolve to shine, constantly and steadily, like a warm lamp in the corner, and people will want to move towards you in order to feel happy, and to read things more clearly. You will be bright and constant in a world of dark and flux, and this will save you the anxiety of other, ultimately less satisfying things like ‘being cool’, ‘being more successful than everyone else’ and ‘being very thin’.
“Second, always remember that, nine times out of ten, you probably aren’t having a full-on nervous breakdown – you just need a cup of tea and a biscuit. You’d be amazed how easily and repeatedly you can confuse the two. Get a big biscuit tin.
“Three – always pick up worms off the pavement and put them on the grass. They’re having a bad day, and they’re good for… the earth or something (ask Daddy more about this; am a bit sketchy).
“Four: choose your friends because you feel most like yourself around them, because the jokes are easy and you feel like you’re in your best outfit when you’re with them, even though you’re just in a T-shirt. Never love someone whom you think you need to mend – or who makes you feel like you should be mended. There are boys out there who look for shining girls; they will stand next to you and say quiet things in your ear that only you can hear and that will slowly drain the joy out of your heart. The books about vampires are true, baby. Drive a stake through their hearts and run away.
“Stay at peace with your body. While it’s healthy, never think of it as a problem or a failure. Pat your legs occasionally and thank them for being able to run. Put your hands on your belly and enjoy how soft and warm you are – marvel over the world turning over within, the brilliant meat clockwork, as I did when you were inside me and I dreamt of you every night.
“Whenever you can’t think of something to say in a conversation, ask people questions instead. Even if you’re next to a man who collects pre-Seventies screws and bolts, you will probably never have another opportunity to find out so much about pre-Seventies screws and bolts, and you never know when it will be useful.
“This segues into the next tip: life divides into AMAZING ENJOYABLE TIMES and APPALLING EXPERIENCES THAT WILL MAKE FUTURE AMAZING ANECDOTES. However awful, you can get through any experience if you imagine yourself, in the future, telling your friends about it as they scream, with increasing disbelief, ‘NO! NO!’ Even when Jesus was on the cross, I bet He was thinking, ‘When I rise in three days, the disciples aren’t going to believe this when I tell them about it.’
“Babyiest, see as many sunrises and sunsets as you can. Run across roads to smell fat roses. Always believe you can change the world – even if it’s only a tiny bit, because every tiny bit needed someone who changed it. Think of yourself as a silver rocket – use loud music as your fuel; books like maps and co-ordinates for how to get there. Host extravagantly, love constantly, dance in comfortable shoes, talk to Daddy and Nancy about me every day and never, ever start smoking. It’s like buying a fun baby dragon that will grow and eventually burn down your f***ing house.
“Love, Mummy.”

Something Very Special

A ring sorta thing

Because, on Monday 1st July, we went for a run, very early, in the most glorious sunshine. And we ran up and down the hill near my flat three or four times (N managed 4, I managed three). I was a little worried about him, because he’d not slept properly the night before…. and I fretted, because I don’t like it when he’s not slept. And he wouldn’t tell me why.

As we headed home, he said he wanted to run on the grass. He’s got a Morton’s Neuroma, so I thought was just softer on his poor feets. But, he said it wouldn’t work if I didn’t run with him, and he ran me out to the centre of the park, and he hadn’t prepared a big speech, he just knelt on one knee, and asked me to marry him.

I have had the biggest grin. No-one, but no-one has believed in me the way N does. He’s never been more certain about anything in his life but me. And, always, he is there for me, and he looks after me, and supports me, and I don’t ever, ever, want to be without him.