The last few weeks? Anxious. Anxious to the point of my feet feeling like they want to float away, my knees feeling disconnected, my stomach churning.
Anxious about Brexit, about Trump, about Climate Change…all Big Things that I can’t do very much about.
So, I have made an appointment with the GP, I am trying to be more mindful. I am reducing my meat and dairy consumption, pondering food miles, pondering clothing miles. If anyone has an answer to the palm oil in margarine vs dairy butter conundrum, I’m all ears. Or, alternatively, a solution to what fat to use when baking banana bread.
I have lost around a stone in weight since July – I’d aimed to lose half a stone. I hit 8st 1lb on the scales yesterday (admittedly, post-run – which was a dreadful run, because I was tired, because I hadn’t eaten enough the previous day, despite having cooked up both banana bread and mostly-veggie-bolognese….).
I have been this anxious before – 2009 was particularly hellish. I got through it. I will get through it. Because: while all these things may be terrifying, and out of my control, there are many things that are within my control. I can lobby. I can change my habits. I can look after my husband and look after my friends. BUT. I cannot do these things if my mental system is so paralysed I cannot move.
Also: I have to stop reading articles about Trump, Brexit, and Climate Change for the time being. I think I have enough knowledge for now. I merely need the rest of the world to catch up as best as it can.
Dad was supremely helpful when I was on the phone last night: he had similar feelings during the Cuban Missile Crisis. This made me feel rather better: the empathy.